i've been meaning to write this post for about a year. yeah, as long as sarah's been around. the problem is i only want to write when i am feeling so good about having four kids that i can't remember a time when it was hard or difficult, or i am feeling so overwhelmed by having four kids that i can't see a way out of this hellhole that is my life now.
in the spirit of honesty i must admit that right now i'm swinging more on the hellhole side of things. but i'm going to try to be fair and remember a few good things.
like how seth wanted to practice soccer (because not only do i have four children, not only are three of those children requiring three different pick up times from their schools, not only does one of those children really need two naps everyday to make her reasonable at the end of each day, but i am also legitimately a soccer mom now, with a soccer playing six-year-old who wears shin guards daily) and i was the one who got out there in the backyard to do it with him instead of ryan who is so majorly the prefered parent in this family i actually do have a hard time not taking it personally. and we had a lot of fun. we laughed a lot. and we were goofy. and NOT touching your opponent is really hard. i kept wanting to pick seth up where he stood and simply moving him aside a foot.
but then mornings like sundays happen, too, where sarah wakes up early and hollers at kate until she's awake, too, then we all get up and they crawl all over me and whine and fuss and everyone else sleeps soundly and when i peek in at ryan a couple hours later ava's on my side of the bed and the two of them are curled up and sleeping sweetly and i kind of sort of want to do that als ice bucket challenge to them without telling them about it first.
i was burnt out this afternoon and kate grabbed her blankee and spread it over me, then snuggled up, rubbing my back and saying softly, "i love you, mommy. you are such a good mommy to me." and she's mostly right. this afternoon for lunch i made kate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with the crusts cut off and the sandwich cut into the shape of a penguin. she loved it. i've been reading to her daily since school started and the other day we spent a good amount of time at the dining room rable with workbooks and markers.
ava literally took four hours to do homework that should only take an hour. she flopped in a very me-like manner a few times which made us all giggle (good for breaking up the tension), but i have to admit that for about four hours i didn't know whether to throw my arms around her or to throw her out the window.
jim gaffigan said that having four children is like being in the ocean drowning...and then someone hands you a baby.
i totally get that.
and on top of the four children, i've got that photography thing. i want to do it well, i'm just really fried with all the other stuff. i have church stuff, friend stuff, family stuff. i have school stuff for the kids (volunteering in the classroom, being the secretary for the pta, room mom for seth's class...). and finally, i have my me stuff. mostly that involves bringing a book everywhere i go in the hopes that i'll get a chance to read it, or having a podcast synched up to be played as soon as everyone is quiet and i can listen, but it also means yoga class. i love yoga class. i've been able to manage as many as four in one week.
sometimes i feel like i'm drowning. and sometimes i feel like i'm sitting on the shore, watching the sunset...with four small children. and despite the chaos, there is peace. contentment. and if ive really got my crap together, cinnamon rolls.